Thanksgiving at the Akatsuki Lair
by dead drifter
Summary: Turkey massacres, exploding pumpkins and Amaterasu in the kitchen. What more could you want for Thanksgiving?


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Rachel Ray, Pledge or Q-tips. No turkeys or farmers were harmed in the making of this fic, but unfortunately, a certain Jashin priest was. But he's okay now.

* * *

**"Thanksgiving at the Akatsuki Lair"**

"Did you really have to sacrifice ALL of them?" Kakuzu growled, leaning against a tree. His partner was lying in the middle of a fenced in area, a spike protruding from his chest. Scattered in a rough circle about the Jashinist were fifty or so clumps of feathers and bloody bits. No one would have recognized the birds as turkeys, though since the two Akatsuki were, in fact, at a turkey farm, it was assumed that the carcasses were, in fact, turkeys.

Hidan lifted his head enough to glare at Kakuzu.

"Do not interrupt the ritual!" he seethed, and plopped his head back down, reverting back to reciting his mantra. Kakuzu huffed and resumed reading his newspaper, namely the section pertaining to the stock market.

After failing to push Hidan's relentless chanting out of his mind for ten solid minutes, Kakuzu looked back to his partner. The priest had pulled the spike out and was getting to his feet amidst many hisses and groans of pain.

"You done now?" Kakuzu said. Hidan scowled.

"Yeah. This one over here looks to be the biggest one. Hey, where'd that farmer guy go? We need a bag or something."

"Uh…everyone...left," Kakuzu said a bit awkwardly. Hidan gave him a look.

"You killed the fucking farmers?!"

"…"

"Great. Well, guess what? You're carrying the mother fucking gobbler. Since I butchered it, it's only fair."

Kakuzu arched an eyebrow.

"You're already covered in blood and gore, why don't you go ahead and carry it?"

"I'm covered in my OWN blood. I don't want bird flu or…or West Nile or something…"

Kakuzu gave Hidan THE LOOK.

"Hey, you can give me the death glare all you want, I'm not carrying that fucking thing. Plus, it probably weighs fifty fucking pounds. You're stronger than I am, okay?"

The compliment apparently worked. Kakuzu found a tarp in the barn and threw the dead turkey in it, lugging it over his shoulder.

* * *

Meanwhile, Deidara was in charge of the pie. He and Sasori had gathered several barrels full of pumpkins, acorn squash, apples and green beans from the local apple orchard and while Sasori went to go tend to Hiruko (who had gotten several splinters from apple picking) Deidara had a blast mashing up pumpkin. Literally.

Sasori had been intelligent enough to make Deidara prepare the pumpkin and apples and squash outside on the picnic table, and plus, it kept Deidara (and pumpkin bits) out of Itachi's hair. He tended to go Mangekyou Sharingan on anyone's ass if they annoyed him enough.

By the time Kakuzu and Hidan got to the house with the dead turkey, the patio area and the back of the house was splattered with orange goo. The zombie brothers paid no attention to the squealing "KATSU" that went off every few minutes. Hidan ran into the house for a shower and Kakuzu deposited the turkey carcass at Zetsu's feet.

"Can you clean this thing up? But don't eat it, we're supposed to cook it first," Kakuzu said to the Venus fly trap man. Zetsu nodded and set to work on his own fold up table.

While the backyard was being splattered with bits of pumpkin and feathers (and maybe a little bit of bloody turkey giblets) Konan was making a giant origami turkey centerpiece for the table. Tobi, always eager to please, was making pilgrim hats and Indian feather headbands for everyone. Pein was in the attic, explaining to his other five bodies why they couldn't attend the feast.

Kisame and Itachi were peeling potatoes. Or rather, Kisame was peeling the potatoes, and Itachi was inspecting Kisame's work, throwing them back in the "to peel" pile if he saw even a spot of skin left on them. After having a fifth potato returned to him, Kisame snarled and set his Samehada on the barrel of potatoes, who would have jumped out of their skins in sheer fright, had they the ability to do so…

* * *

Finally, the turkey was devoid of innards and feathers, Deidara produced his artful bowls of mashed pumpkin, apple slices and halved acorn squash, and Kisame had potatoes boiling away on the stove. Orochimaru popped in to deliver his world famous stuffing, then popped back out before Itachi could kill him.

But soon, Deidara was grating on Itachi's last nerve. And he only had one nerve, so that wasn't good. Apparently, the oven wasn't large enough to cook a thirty pound turkey, four pies and a pan of acorn squash all at once.

"Fine," Itachi said softly after tiring of hearing the blonde girly man's shockingly deep voice, "you can use the oven, I'll just cook the ninja way."

Deidara popped his pies and squash in the oven, set the timer, and ran off to blow up Sasori's entire supply of lemon scented Pledge while Itachi stayed in the kitchen, glaring at the turkey. He made Kisame stuff the turkey full of Orochimaru's world famous stuffing, then he glared at it some more.

Finally, after ten minutes of glaring, Itachi broke the silence. He made a hand seal and sucked in a lot of air. Just as his cheeks started to puff out, and he began to say his magic words, Kisame swung his Samehada in Itachi's face, stopping the fireball jutsu.

Itachi looked at Kisame as smoke issued from his mouth, his fireball defeated.

"I'm sorry, Itachi-san, but I don't think that'll work properly…" Kisame apologized. Itachi nodded after a moment.

"Ah. Perhaps you are right."

To Kisame's horror, Itachi activated the Mangekyou Sharingan.

"Even Rachel Ray can't cook a turkey in less than thirty _seconds_," Itachi said haughtily.

"_Amaterasu_."

"NOOOOO!" Kisame howled, but it was too late. Black flames engulfed the entire kitchen, and Kisame, even though he was a water type, was no match for that kind of shit. He hauled ass out of that inferno, yanking Itachi by the collar and pulling him along.

Pein came down to see what was the matter, and upon seeing the flaming kitchen, and then seeing Hidan a second after, a towel wrapped around his head, Pein did some quick thinking.

"Hidan, go seal that fire."

Hidan paused in the middle of cleaning out his left ear with a Q-tip to look at the burning kitchen.

"Hell no."

"If you don't do it right now…you don't get any pumpkin pie."

"…"

"Fuck. I don't know how to seal that kind of heathen flame shit."

"I'll talk you through it."

* * *

Amazingly, the food turned out just fine. Amaterasu _can_ cook a turkey in less than thirty seconds. But it destroys the surrounding area in less than ten. The table was set, and on everyone's plate was either a pilgrim hat or an Indian headband. Ten people sat around the long oval dining table, beautifully decorated with Konan's origami. Five of those people were Indians, and five of them were pilgrims. Sir Leader discarded Tobi's paper headband for a beautiful headdress of turkey feathers he'd made himself. Yep, Pein had become a self appointed Indian Chief.

Before eating, everyone bowed their heads as Hidan said a prayer.

"Oh Lord Jashin, we thank you for this burned turkey carcass, and ask forgiveness for the Gluttony in which we are about to divulge ourselves in. As payment, I offer Kakuzu's life…"

"…Hidan…" Pein warned.

"Er...my bad…as payment, I will offer the spilled blood of twenty virgins…tomorrow. Amen."

"Amen," the rest echoed, and everyone dug in to the grub. When everyone was ready for dessert, Pein held up a hand.

"Before we get to the pie, I want everyone to say one thing they are thankful for. Konan, you go first."

Konan looked rather taken aback, but she recovered, adjusting her pilgrim hat.

"Um…I'm thankful for…my manicurist. She's Korean and I can't understand anything she says, but she does an amazing job."

There were several nods of agreement at this, as most of them had the same manicurist. Most guys can't paint their own nails, you know.

"Okay, Zetsu, now you," Pein said. Zetsu had been chewing on the feather of his makeshift headband when he was addressed.

"I'm thankful for the sun," the white half said.

"I'm thankful for the blood of the innocent," the black half said. There was a moment of subdued silence before Tobi, the one next to him, spoke up.

"Ooh ooh ooh!" Tobi squealed, raising his hand as if in school, "I'm thankful for all of you, because you're all my friends, and Tobi is a good boy!"

Tobi was so loud, and his voice so high pitched that some of the members squinted their eyes shut and held their hands over their ears in pain.

"…Money," Kakuzu growled in answer to the unasked…question. No surprise there.

"I'm thankful for money…" he repeated while rubbing his chest. He had heartburn, and when you had five hearts, heartburn burned…five times as bad. (I know heart burn doesn't have much to do with hearts, but don't tell Kakuzu that.)

"I'm thankful for Jashin," Hidan said automatically. No surprise there either.

"I'm thankful for myself," Itachi answered. We all know Itachi is a self loving, heartless bastard.

"I'm thankful for my parents," Kisame said. Everyone looked at him. Kisame shrugged.

"What? Is it a sin to actually LOVE my parents?"

Everyone continued to stare, questions concerning Kisame's parents starting to churn in everyone's mind. Kisame nudged Sasori in the…spot where his ribs would have been, had he not been made of wood. The puppet snapped out of his pondering with a head roll.

"I suppose…I'd have to say…I'm most thankful for…Pledge. It's lemon scented and it shines me up real nice…yes…nice and smooth and shiny…" Sasori murmured while rubbing his arms, shuddering. A hint of lemon wafted from him. Deidara saved the day by being even louder than Tobi.

"I'm thankful for Art! And clay! AND SASORI NO DANNA!"

Deidara hugged Sasori, who gave a great cry and ran upstairs to hide in Hiruko. Where he could sniff Pledge alone…

"Well, let's see…" Pein said, as if Sasori hadn't just leapt up as if burned and ran screaming away from the table, "I suppose I'll have to agree with Tobi. I'm thankful for all of you…because without you…there is no Akatsuki. Without all of you…I'd be…sniff…alone."

And to everyone's horror, Pein started to cry. The other five Peins, tucked away in their coffins, sniffled as well. But no one knew those things were up there except for Konan and the evil side of Tobi.

Konan patted Sir Leader Pein's shoulder while the rest of Akatsuki snagged some pie.

* * *

And so, Thanksgiving turned out to be a fairly decent experience that year. But will Christmas bode well among our favorite evil organization? Tune in for December to find out! 


End file.
